Choose Your Destiny
by SweetSurrender
Summary: Phoebe looks at two roads, one with Cole, one without... I know Phoebe is passive, but I like to think of her like this rather than bitchy:)
1. Default Chapter

Choose Your Destiny  
  
It was early Monday morning, the sun had just risen, and already Piper Halliwell was busy preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Her husband had already been summoned "up there", ruining their romantic morning, and her other two sisters were busy preparing for the day upstairs. As she flipped the pancakes, Paige came downstairs in a somewhat calm mood, which was very unusual for her.  
  
"Have you decided to grace us with your presence at breakfast finally?" Piper teased.  
  
"Yea, actually I am not running late for a change, so I have a few glorious minutes to spend with my loving family before I have to run because I am late." Paige grinned and bit off a piece of toast.  
  
"Morning!" Phoebe exclaimed as she bounded down the stairs in an also unusual mood. She had not really been excited for a day since she found out Cole was the Source. Every morning she would wake up and find she was more afraid of what was to come, an attitude Phoebe Halliwell had not had ever. The past few weeks had been really tough on her, nearly breaking her spirit at some points, but she always managed a smile for her family, no matter how much pain she was holding back. There was no need for them to know she cried herself to sleep every night and sometimes felt so depressed and lonely she thought about throwing herself out of the attic just to feel the rush as she flew and released her pain in a few seconds, then hit the ground and hurt for the last time. But she was smart and had come to realize she might live, and would be healed. Then what would come of her? She even thought stabbing herself with Cole's old athame would be less painful than life. **It would not feel much different than I do now** she used to think. She realized she was suicidal, but also figured out this kind of life, avoiding the pain, was better than the one she would be living if she stopped hiding. Instead of going through with it though, she took cold showers and scrubbed herself till her skin was raw, trying in vain to wash away the grief she felt. This morning was different though. Cole had not come around the Manor in awhile at her request, and though a part of Phoebe was saddened by this, another rejoiced at the burden lifted off her shoulders.  
  
"Want toast? Breakfast is not ready, but Paige helped herself. Why are you not ready for work?" Piper asked, checking on the sausage. She had noticed Phoebe's mood, and though this was more than strange of her, she decided not to ask about it. It did not matter what Phoebe was thinking, her younger sister was happy, they should just accept that.  
  
"No thanks Piper, I will wait for the pancakes. They smell yummy! Oh, Elise gave me off. There was some problem with some politician who wanted our newspaper and other local ones to shut down for a week or two, so they could see the effect on the public. I would prefer not to be a guinea pig, but I will gladly take the time off." Phoebe grinned, but only because she had stopped thinking about the rest of her life since then. Actually, Elise had asked her and only her to take the week off, for her advice was slipping. Elise was concerned that since she lost her baby and Cole she was trying to hide from everything with the newspaper and would one day explode from all the bottled emotions. Funny how she cared for Phoebe, when she never seemed to care for anyone. Anyway, Phoebe could not tell her sisters that, they would only make a fuss, and it would only make it worse, although they were trying to help. They could never understand, and so she lied to keep up the perfect image. Piper could not be upset; she had a baby on the way. Leo would be mad if Phoebe in any way made Piper worry. She was too 'delicate'. **No one fussed over me like this when I was pregnant. No one but Cole that is." Phoebe thought for a moment, then shook the crazy thought out of her head. He was gone. Anyway, Piper was saying something now to her.  
  
"Oh. Okay, then do you want to come baby shopping with Paige and I during her lunch break?" Piper asked, patting her growing stomach.  
  
"Actually, I think I will use an older letter and get more work out of the way so next week will feel like vacation too. I am tired also. But thanks anyway." Phoebe smiled happily and reached for the coffee, but inside she was suffocating. She not only cried for the loss of her husband, but for that of her baby, their baby. She wanted so bad to have a family, yearned for a child. **Piper gets all the happiness, a good life, a husband, easy job, and now baby. I lost everything. It is not fair.** Sure, she never expected a child, but when she found out she was pregnant both her and Cole warmed up to the idea instantly. He was almost human then. They were going to have a baby, their baby, a family. Now those future dreams of a wonderful life were smashed. Phoebe wished away for her family to come back, but now she knew they did not lie waiting in her future.  
  
Piper flipped another pancake over, but this one stopped in mid air, frozen in time. Each of the sisters looked around for an answer and gasped when they saw who entered the room.  
  
"I thought we were done with you." Paige remarked.  
  
"Ah, not yet it seems." The Angel of Destiny spoke, walking closer to the curious sisters. "How is the baby?" he asked Piper. Phoebe's heart again felt hollow.  
  
"Fine, we are both fine." Piper said smiling.  
  
"And the promotion?" he asked, motioning towards Paige.  
  
"It is so great! I can go in late now, although I should not, and I have a more flexible work schedule so it is easier to take care of witchy things." Paige said with a grin.  
  
"And you, Phoebe. How is your destiny, your life?" he asked her with a faint smile on his face.  
  
"My life is fine." Phoebe remarked, though inside she was screaming the opposite.  
  
"Or so you would have us think. Your sisters each got a reward; I think you deserve one too. Tell me, what does your heart desire?" he questioned. Instantly Phoebe thought of her dreams, of Cole and their baby.  
  
"I cannot have what my heart desires." Phoebe responded sadly.  
  
"Ah, but that is not true. In fact, that is why I am here. It is common knowledge 'up there' that your heart desires your husband Cole and your child, your life back. You, on the other hand, are confused on which path to take. And though your heart knows one thing, your mind tells you another. I can show you the two different destinies to help clear your mind, one if you choose to take your husband, who is more than willing, back. The other if you leave him forever and continue without Cole. Then you will be able to choose your destiny." He paused, allowing her time to think and reply.  
  
"Really, you could do that?" Phoebe asked, intrigued.  
  
"Hold up, wait. Phoebe does not need to see her paths laid out, she already knows what she wants." Piper said, reaching over to her sister, who pulled away.  
  
"Yea, she is happy without Cole and the baby. See, she was smiling this morning." Paige put in.  
  
"Shut up you two! You do not know a damn thing about how I feel!" Phoebe yelled to them, tears trying to choke her. "How?" she asked the Angel, ignoring the stares her sisters were giving her. It was only now, when she spoke harsh words, that they had begun to realize the pain she was in.  
  
"It is a simple task. You will appear in one destiny as yourself, allowing you to ask questions to the others around you and not to confuse, um, little ones. The other future you will appear as you are now, and will be able to talk to your future self. It may not be easy on you to see the future, but it must be done to help you out. The third Charmed sister deserves a wish too. Take my hand." The Angel told her.  
  
Phoebe again ignored her sisters, not caring about them. This was for her. She was so empty, her heart was such an abyss, that she knew without this guidance she would not survive. He held out her hand, hoping the pain of the future would not be as great as her present torture.  
  
"First we shall see what the future is like with your husband." He said. The Angel closed his eyes, as did Phoebe. She felt a rush, then opened them a minute later, feeling warm and safe, but also tired, realizing she was in a bed. Turning over she saw someone next to her she had never expected to see again in her life.  
  
"Cole?" she whispered, reaching out to caress his face. When he did not disappear, she knew it was really him. His eyes fluttered open, and he stretched, saying  
  
"Morning baby." And he took her in his arms, kissing her forehead, then lips, and then resting against the backboard of the bed. He kept her in his strong grip, pulling her against his bare chest. It was almost perfect. But so many things were bugging and confusing her. Phoebe looked around, not recognizing her surroundings.  
  
"Where are we?" she asked as she lazily ran her fingertips over him, a favorite pastime of theirs in the morning, something so small she missed so much.  
  
"In bed, at the house. Where else?" he asked with a puzzled tone, kissing her hair. "How is my baby this morning? As good as mommy?" he asked her stomach, then kissed it and came back up for a passionate kiss with her.  
  
"Baby, what baby?" she asked, honestly confused. Was she pregnant?! Her and Cole were having a baby? A none-evil baby?  
  
"Our baby sweetie, the one you are carrying. Did you forget already? It has been a few weeks? Are you alright?" he asked, worry creasing his handsome face as she felt him frown.  
  
"No, sorry, it is early." She laughed, knowing he did not buy that, he never did. A baby? For her? And him? Theirs? She was so happy, but hoped he would not ask her further about her lack of memory. She heard a slight thud outside their door, but nothing to worry about. **I am pregnant!** she thought as she smiled up at him lovingly. **This is how it should have been.** Her thoughts were interrupted by a little boy who looked about four years old and could have been Cole's clone, and a little girl, about one, who had her own hair, but Cole's same blue eyes, who rushed into the room and onto the bed, laughing as they began jumping.  
  
"Mommy! Daddy! Get up!" the boy commanded as the girl shrieked "up up!"  
  
"Who are you?" Phoebe asked, alarmed as the boy came over and nestled in her arms as the little girl did the same to Cole.  
  
"Do not tell me you forgot our children, Ben and Ebony?" Cole joked, tickling the little girl.  
  
"Our what.?!" Phoebe said as she stared at the two beautiful children in front of her. 


	2. Chapter 2

CYD Part 2  
  
"Our children sweetie. Phoebe what is the matter with you?" Cole asked as he suddenly stopped tickling the girl, who Phoebe presumed to be Ebony, and looked at her with genuine concern. There was fear in his eyes as Phoebe attempted to smile. The little girl became frustrated and wiggled around in Cole's arms until he began to rub her back soothingly, calming her down as she rested against him. The little boy looked up at Phoebe, his bright blue eyes penetrating her, as he gave her a puzzled face.  
  
"Mommy, are you okay? Daddy, Mommy is sick. She does not know us!" he said as he began to cry, fearing his own mother had forgotten him.  
  
"No Ben, she is okay, just a little tired. Do not worry." Cole answered, still staring at Phoebe. "Come on, we have to get ready for school." He said as he handed the little girl to Phoebe and helped the boy out of the bed. The two left and Phoebe gave her attention to the adorable little child in her arms, wiggling like she had with Cole. Absentmindedly Phoebe began to rub her back like Cole had in order to appease the girl, who quickly fell asleep in her arms. Allowing the silence to envelope her, Phoebe's mind began to drift away, questions flooding her brain as she again looked around in confusion. Was this real? She clung to the baby in her arms and refused to open them, fearing she would be alone in her own house when she looked again, this time with no Cole, no children. That safe feeling she once again owned would run away and she would be left to feeling helpless and alone. Cole came back after awhile with Ben at his side, all dressed and ready for school. It was the perfect picture, except one thing was missing.  
  
"Why are you still in your pajamas?" Phoebe asked, wondering why Cole seemed to be unemployed. "I called in and took the day off. I told them my wife needed me by her side and that morning sickness had overcome you once again." Cole offered a small grin, still shook up about her lack of memory. That was all it took. Phoebe melted completely, god he knew how to make her go crazy, even in an alternate universe it seemed. "The baby is still sleeping, and Paige should be here momentarily to pick up our son. Do you need anything?" "Baby?" Phoebe asked for a second time. What was going on? Here she thought she was pregnant, was she or did she have a child? No, Cole had said she was pregnant, so what was this other baby he was referring to?  
  
Before she had a chance to ask a horn honked outside. Ben, knowing what that meant, jumped up and down, obviously excited for school, causing Phoebe to break into a thousand smiles. He ran over and kissed his mother and sister good bye, then went over to his father, who kissed him and carried him to the door.  
  
"Bye sweetie, have fun at school!" Phoebe called after him, shocking herself at the ease of the sentence. It was as if she had lived this before and knew how to run this sort of life. Cole came back in a few minutes and climbed back into bed with Phoebe.  
  
"Still confused about everything?" he asked, kissing her forhead and taking the little girl into his arms. Her sleeping form shifted quietly to fit into her father's arms as he stroked her back with utmost care. She seemed to like this and remained asleep, cooing from time to time. A small smile played on her face and Phoebe could not get over how perfect it all was.  
  
"Mmm, a little, but I think I just went into overdrive or something. I am okay now." she answered, grasping in vain for an excuse. It was different, it seemed weird lying to Cole. Almost like she truly felt insane for being confused. "My memory is just escaping me." She laughed and reached over, once again moving the little girl to her grasp and relaxing the both of them in Cole's arms. His strong hold on her never let go as she softened and fell into the embrace that was all him. "So where is this other baby you mentioned?" she questioned, looking about as if it would pop out from the walls.  
  
"You mean Gracie?" he asked lackadaisically. "She is asleep, although I am sure she would not mind getting up a little early to spend time with us." He laughed once, then hopped out of bed and to the door to retrieve the baby, but not before kissing Phoebe's eyes and the head of the sleeping toddler. Phoebe heard a door creak open, a small mew, like that of a kitten, then footsteps, undoubtably Cole's, coming back towards the room. The sight she beheld took her breath away. Cole was holding a third child of theirs, a small infant not even one year old with dark, curly hair like her father. Her eyes fluttered open and Phoebe looked into her own eyes.  
  
"Ma." The baby mumbled sleepily. She reached up for Cole's chin, unshaved since the day had just begun, and decided to go back into a resting slumber. Cole carried her over to the bed and put her in Phoebe's arms, enthralled by the scene. She almost started to cry as she held on to her youngest baby, tenderly stroking her cheek with utmost care. Ever since she had met Cole, on that dreary morning at the Rave murder scene, she had dreamt of this life. Her and Cole, completely in love, with beautiful children and all they could ever need. each other. Now she was living the dream world that once lay forbidden to her. All she could think about was how she would trade her life for this, just to lie a moment more with Cole and their little girls. Cole gently picked up both children and brought them to their own beds, then sat once again on the bed and lifted up Phoebe, tickling her silently, so as not to wake the little ones.  
  
"How about a shower, my love? We can celebrate our new addition to the family it you would like?" he asked with an impish grin. She nodded and he brought her to their bathroom, where he filled up the tub and undressed them both. "Or maybe a bath?" he said and lowered her into the soothing tub. He climbed in behind her and for the next couple of hours they stayed there, ignoring all but the presence of each other.  
  
That day was truly magical. Cole took the three of them shopping for baby clothes and toys for the little ones, then they picked up Ben and decided to go over to the Manor for lunch. Phoebe approached the house with somewhat trepidation, not knowing what to expect from the two other Halliwell sisters. She rang the doorbell, jiggling Grace in one arm and holding Cole's free hand in the other. Ebony pulled on her father's other hand and on Ben's hand to symbolize she wanted to play, but calmed as soon as her aunt opened the door. Phoebe looked up, expecting to see Piper there, or even Paige, but the woman she stared at was not at all what she expected. With fear and excitement in her eyes, Phoebe let go of Cole and reached out, scared this was a cruel trick.  
  
"Hey you guys, it is about time you arrived, I am only allowed to stay a few hours." Prue joked as she hugged her niece and nephew, and planted a kiss on the baby.  
  
"Prue?" Phoebe asked. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Nice to see you too sis. The Elders let me come down to congratulate you two on another baby for a little, so I get to spend some time with my family. By the way, they say any more kids and they are cutting me off. I am supossed to be dead." She joked, allowing them to come in.  
  
"Oh." Phoebe responded, feeling slightly dazed, but calmed down as she saw her sister Piper come into the room. Paige was not far behind her. They walked into the kitchen where Leo and Glenn were both waiting. There were so many changes it took Phoebe a few tries to get everything straight. Piper had two girls, Melinda, who was five, and Prue, who was three. Paige had one son, Sean, who was four, around the same age as Ben. The two seemed to get along great. Glenn and Paige had married, everyone stayed in town. The basement was re-done into a play place for the kids, who all spent every other minute down there, except for Grace who was attached to her mother and father. Piper had not lost her ability to cook, and though she used to cook for an army and no one would eat, now she had enough soldiers to gobble up the entire meal. Everyone was genuinely excited for Phoebe and Cole, and she took it they had just found out about the baby. Darryl and her father stopped by quickly to say hi, but their jobs would not allow them to spend any more time with the Halliwells. Patty and Penny made a short visit but we called back 'up there' because the Elders had a hard time with all three desceased Halliwells staying in the Manor so long. It was so much fun so see how everyone lived.  
  
Cole pulled Phoebe aside and asked her to come out with him to a romantic dinner that night. Turned out the entire gang was in on it. The two girls would be staying with Piper, while Ben stayed with Paige, unless one of them needed their parents. Then they were just a shimmer or orb away. Cole brought Phoebe home after saying goodbye to get ready for that evening. Ebony and Ben were a little cautious about spending the night away from their parents, but Grace was the one with the main problem. She clung to her mother like she would die if she let go and cried something awful when they tried to leave. It broke Phoebe's heart to see her like that, even if it meant she loved them that much. Cole took Grace away as Phoebe began to cry and promised her they would go home later. He brought her up to Prue's old crib and rocked her to sleep, Phoebe watching all the while. She soon calmed and went to sleep, and Cole and Phoebe exited the building. They drove home quickly, both anticipating their evening out. It had to be perfect. Phoebe chose a long black gown with spaghetti straps and slits up the sides, styling her hair up beautifully. Cole put on his best suit and escorted his wife to the awaiting limosine. They ate at an elegant French restaurant, staring lovingly at each other the whole time. There was no greater feeling than the one enveloping Phoebe right then. She decided this was how it should be, and how it was to be if she had anything to do with it. Cole held out his hand and brought her to the dance floor, where they began to sway softly to the music.  
  
"I love you, you know that right?" he asked with a little concern, but more tenderness.  
  
"Of course I do. And I love you more than anything. I am sorry about this morning, I guess I forgot some things." She offered an apologetic smile, which caused him to grin and spin her around once.  
  
"It is okay, you did not do any damage." He spoke. "Look at us Phoebe, we have come so far. We deserve this, and our children do too. They adore you, and truthfully, I do not know what I would do if I lost you." His smile turned to a frown as if the very thought scared him to death.  
  
"Do not worry, I am not going anywhere. I love you. And our children. And this baby." She patted her stomach lovingly. "I never thought I could feel like this, but now I know I will never be alone again." She said as he held her close and kissed her lips, then her forhead, and then her eyes.  
  
"You will never be alone." He whispered as she felt him being torn from her instantly. She looked around and saw bright lights, causing her to close her eyes. She opened them once again to behold a dark alleyway in a city, dirty and seedy. She looked down to see her clothes were no longer beautiful as they once were, but now were jeans and a sweater, old and worn. She shivered, wishing Cole were there to keep her warm.  
  
"He is not here." A voice spoke. She whirled around to see the Angel of Destiny in front of her. "As much as I know you enjoyed that side, the white one, now you must see the black one. This is your path if you chose to let your husband go forever. Good luck my dear." He spoke, and vanished into thin air. Phoebe looked around, cold, abandoned, and frightened, unsure of everything once again. 


	3. Chapter 3

CYD Part 3  
  
Phoebe walked the streets for what seemed like eternity. Hunger growled in her stomach, and so she decided to get something to eat. Though she remembered having French with Cole only a few moments ago, it seemed everything that was in her from one life did not come over to the second. Though she could not see it, Phoebe knew in her heart she was not pregnant with his child anymore, her abdomen feeling hollow and abandoned without the baby. Her family was gone, her husband lost. She was cold, lonely, dirty, tired, emotions overwhelming her, ones she did not understand their origin. She had just arrived here, but already it seemed as if the weight of the world were suffocating her. Truth be told, she felt worn, almost like an old pair of jeans one wears every day till they are threadbare. Deciding Chinese would suit her for now, Phoebe walked down to a little restaurant, where she ordered her food and sat down at the empty table farthest from the crowd of people near the dumpsters. Quietly she ate her food, and though she was hungry, the food made her nauseous, and so she stopped her eating and began staring into space, thinking about what the Angel had said. This would be her path if Cole were to leave forever. Life? This was no life. Phoebe stared at all the couples around her, the men who brought their girlfriends to this city all dressed up for a night on the town. How she wished Cole were with her.  
  
"Momma! Momma!" a voice cried out, causing Phoebe to whirl around, trying to locate the origin of the voice.  
  
"Ebony? Grace? Ben?" Phoebe called out, wishing with all her heart one of them would run to her at any moment. "Cole?" She shrieked, hoping this was not some sick joke on her. She spotted a little boy, around five, with blonde hair and brown eyes run to a nearby woman, who gladly picked him up and hugged him, his father coming up behind him holding what appeared to be a worn old toy. Tears formed in Phoebe's eyes as she realized it was not him, her family was truly gone and she may never get them back. She got up and walked down the street, finding a vendor of shawls and gladly buying one to keep her warm. As she passed a worn building, falling apart it seemed, she instantly stopped, looked up, and stared at the disintegrating front, drawn to it by some unexplainable force. A woman rushed out of the front and nearly ran Phoebe over, who tried to move out of the way, but could not in time. As she started to apologize, the cold-hearted woman only offered rude words towards her, chilling Phoebe to the bone. That voice was so familiar. She looked at the woman standing before her, an angry glare pasted on her face. Phoebe gasped as she stared into two, large brown eyes she had seen every day of her life.  
  
"What are you looking at? Watch where you are going, you little bitch." The woman hissed at Phoebe, not recognizing her. She moved her hand quickly through her worn brown hair, shortened now, not like in her younger days.  
  
"I am sorry. It is just you look awful familiar. May I ask you a question?" Phoebe meekly asked, scared of it and the answer she was to receive. "No you may not. Leave me alone and go away. I do not want you to bother me again." The angered woman said through clenched teeth.  
  
"I am sorry, I do not mean to frighten you Phoebe, but I need to talk to you." Phoebe tried again, searching for a response from the other woman.  
  
"No, I said leave me alone. I do not need." The old woman paused and looked at Phoebe with curiosity and fear. "What did you call me?"  
  
"Phoebe. I know you. Look this might sound strange, but you are me, I guess in the future." Phoebe reached out to the woman, who pulled back.  
  
"Stay away. I want nothing to do with you, you demon.." She hissed as she stalked off.  
  
"No please. I need your help. I am not lying. I am here on a mission, I guess. The Angel of Destiny sent me to see how my life would turn out if I chose to keep something or not, and the only way for me to get back is to talk to you. Please, I will not hurt you."  
  
"You are here about him, are you not?"  
  
"Then you know?" Phoebe asked, equally perplexed as the older woman. "Please, I do not mean to take up any of your time, but I want to get home to my sisters, to my family, and the only way to do that is for me and you to talk. You know very well how this kind of magic works, I will not be able to return until I get whatever it is I was sent to get, and you can avoid me, but I will just be stuck here forever, and that will change the future. Not only yours. ours, but other peoples as well. So please, talk to me." Phoebe pleaded with the bitter woman. Strangely enough, this reminded her of another encounter she had had with her future self, one that had taken place before she married Cole, before everything had gone to ruins. The lady before her was similar in every way to the old Phoebe who had stubbornly refused to share information with her on that fateful day. Looking down at herself, Phoebe could see the beginnings of such a life developing within herself, shocking her to the core. Though she once believed it would be a great time before such hatred for the world overcame her, now she was beginning to see the life overpowering her as she stood pleading with the woman, not so much a stranger as older Phoebe had once been.  
  
Future Phoebe stared at her younger image with great curiosity long before she answered her. She remembered the passion that once she had, the love of life. Judging from Phoebe's attitude and appearance, she could guess it was now where her younger image was just starting to learn of the pains and hardships of life. "You cannot be mad with me." Phoebe continued. "You know it is not my, our, fault. This is not our doing. I told you this before; if it is one thing we both believe in, it is that magic happens for a reason. The Angel of Destiny let me see both my choices, but I need to know what happened to make you live like this, to make you become a bitter me. Please."  
  
"Do not talk to me about bitter." The older Phoebe smiled cruelly at herself. "I see the same bitterness in you as in me. Ah yes, we were destined to do great things, you and I. But then we let our guard down and chose to love. Come on, come inside. We will talk there. You look chilled already. I remember having a hard time adjusting to the cold reality, but you will get the hang of it very soon, sooner than you think." Phoebe walked into what was to be her home, and soon it seemed, though every aspect of it was strange and foreboding to her. The colors, the vivid designs, the life she loved to have everything in her home breathe was gone, instead lay old, worn, drab colors and makeshift furniture. It was like she stopped caring, like there was nothing of meaning left for her in the future. Her older self pushed a cup of crude coffee in her face and began to drink her own. Phoebe accepted the cup, but could not take her eyes off the broken glass, rusty sink, and other signs of abandonment.  
  
"I know it is not your style, but you will learn soon, things are not always as beautiful as they might seem, people either for that fact." Older Phoebe took a gulp of her coffee and leaned back in her chair, waiting for Phoebe's reaction.  
  
"Okay, I do not have time for mysteries, okay? This life, it is not a life, and I want to know why I did, do, this. why stop caring? Why choose this way?"  
  
"Because they stopped caring about me!" Older Phoebe snapped wickedly at Phoebe, scaring her half to death. Phoebe began to slowly breath and regained her composure, careful not to further piss off herself.  
  
"Who? Cole?" Phoebe cautiously asked.  
  
"Cole." The word seemed foreign to Phoebe's future self. She would never let her know, but she thought of him every day, crying herself to sleep every night. It brought back a world of emotion, of happiness, of the bliss the two once shared, the sweet kisses she received in the morning, the warm feeling of his arms around her, the safeness she felt when her own figure melted into his. But the name also brought back the heart-wrenching feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and depression. Something had changed, everything became unsure, and Phoebe ceased to live the day she allowed her brain to overpower her heart and finally give up on him. She drove him to insanity, slowly, and pretended to stop caring when he went over the edge, fooling herself and acting like she did not need to care anymore, that she was truly over him. In truth, it killed her to see him that way, and even to the day she knew he never stopped caring about her, and she never fell out of love with him.  
  
"No, not him," she silently muttered. "He never stopped caring. He nearly killed me, inside and out, but he never stopped caring, no matter what he said or did. They, on the other hand, did. They committed the worst crime in the world, betrayal. They betrayed me when I needed them the most, selling me in for power and advice. I became nothing more to them. A fake smile and a forced laugh here or there was all it took to keep them happy with me. And after I left, they barely came looking. They just stopped caring."  
  
"Piper? Paige? Leo?" Phoebe asked, astonished. "No, you must have been mistaken, they would never do that. They love me, you. us, don't they?" Phoebe faltered.  
  
"Hmmm, that is what I thought too. After Cole died and I lost the baby, I nearly died myself. To lose my husband and child all in a week was too much for me to bear. But they barely noticed, clinging to the point that both were evil. No one cared I loved them, no one cared I did not care and that without them I could not live. Shortly after Piper became pregnant and Paige quit her job. All it was in the house was bitching from Piper about her morning sickness and bitching from Paige about her failures in witchcraft. I, being the middle sister now, kept my complaints to myself and foolishly let them dissolved me from the inside out until one day I could not take it anymore. I found Cole's old athame and decided that life was too unbearable to go on. I went up to the attack and I slit my wrists, hoping death would come soon. But the three of them found me when they went up for the Book of Shadows, and they saved me. They were in denial I was that far insane. They assumed I was possessed, and knocked it off as that. I had nowhere to turn, or so I thought. I should have known Cole was always there; we could have fixed it there. The next morning I was packed to leave. I had left a note for Piper and Paige that I was going home to New York City. I missed three buses that day, hoping they would come for me. They did not. I even almost went to Cole to say goodbye, but as I entered the building I saw him leave with a bunch of his secretaries, possibly for lunch, laughing and such. The sight broke my heart, though I could not admit it to myself then, and I left. I came here and tried to settle down. It was not an easy life, but it had to be done. I heard Cole had tried to find me several times, but never could find me. I doubt he could have, only Piper and Paige could. They did not come; they did not try. I have lived here ever since. And so you want to know if you should choose my path, or the one with Cole. Well you see my decision, now it is time for you to make yours."  
  
"You mean, you remember this?" Phoebe asked, incredulous.  
  
"Yep, but I did not heed the warning, and this is the path I chose, one without him. Now go, decide. Wait." Older Phoebe stopped her younger self from leaving. "I want to show you some things before you go, some things that are happening now, some things that may help change your mind. I hate to burden you, but you must know." With that she wiped her hand across Phoebe's eyes, leading her into the strongest premonition ever. Images flashed before her eye, quick as lightening, but full of meaning. A cemetery with three graves, Leo holding a teenagers hand before them as she lay down flowers upon them. Phoebe's stomach nearly gave out as she realized these were her nieces and nephews, ones she never knew, ones who never had a chance. The scene blurred into a hospital room, where Piper lay hooked up to numerous machines. Phoebe was able to sense she was alive, but barely, more of a vegetable, and would soon die, abandoning her daughter. Phoebe flashed to a trashy house, where she could see Paige and her abusive husband beating it out of each other. Several small, scared children peered from the doorway. The father spotted them and grabbed one, throwing him against the door. Paige tried to heal him, but could not as her husband grabbed her hair and threw her across the room against broken beer bottles. Phoebe closed her eyes, opening them to the most horrific scene of all. Cole lay, unshaven and naked in his bed at the penthouse, women surrounding him. He was crying, though they chose to ignore his tears. Around them lay empty alcohol bottles, which he obviously had been drinking. He kept rubbing his wedding ring, and Phoebe knew even after all these years he missed her dearly, almost as much as she missed him. It was too much for her to bear. She came back to New York as the Angel of Destiny orbed in behind her. She whirled around with tears in her eyes.  
  
"Take me home." She feebly said as they left that horrid place behind, though the haunting images were still fresh in her mind. 


	4. Chapter 4

CYD Part 4  
  
"So now that you have seen the two futures, tell me which one shall you choose, because I do not have all the time in the world." The Angel asked as they appeared in the Manor. He let go of Phoebe's hand as she stumbled back against the table, gripping it tightly for support. The pictures of what was to come were still raw in her mind and sent her vomiting in the sink. Her legs gave out as she began to cry harder than ever and sank against the kitchen floor. How could everything go so wrong? How could her family be torn apart like that? Just by one decision? She would lose everything. No wonder she became so heartless when she was older. Pain and anguish were replaced by anger and rage as she whirled around in a cold sweat and the Angel. "Who the hell are you to ask me that? Huh, who are you? How dare you come in here and ruin my life like this, show me things more horrifying than anything than expect me to change my life in a beat?" Phoebe became hostile as she thought about what this man was asking her to do, again. "Get out." She said, her voice dead. "I think we should talk about this before you make a mistake. I can give you whichever life you want Phoebe. I can give you those children, I can give you that life, or I can give you the world to yourself, like the other destiny. There would be no one to tie you down, no worries, no responsibilities. It would be you on your own again. Tell me which one you want Phoebe, I can give it to you." The Angel said calmly, approaching her with an open hand. "Did you hear me? I said get out." Phoebe said viciously as she swung at the Angel with her fist at full force. "Get out and get out now. Don't come back if you know what is good for you." The Angel disappeared, leaving Phoebe to herself. She began to cry again, but stopped. Her sisters would be home soon, and remembering what terms she had left on this morning, Phoebe did not want them seeing her like this. They did not deserve to see her cry. She walked upstairs to take a shower, hoping the soap and warm water would make her feel better. She stood in the shower for what seemed like eternity, wondering what she was going to do. She wanted the first destiny, her heart knew it, but as the Angel had said, he mind was telling her something different. Cole was a demon, he had demonic powers, he was evil again. No matter what, she could not go back to him knowing there was a chance of her becoming evil again. It had been too close last time, she could not put her sisters in such danger again, even if she hated them for their ignorance. The hot water from the shower scorched her body, turning her skin red, but she did not care, she did not even notice. Phoebe turned towards the water, allowing the hot water to mix with her cold tears. Strange how in this place two things from different sides of the universe, hot and cold, could mix and be together in this one moment, sending soothing emotions through her. How had she gotten past her fear of being evil? How had she trusted Cole again? Had she taken this very shower in that universe, and come to the realization that she had to trust her mind but live her heart's desires to be truly happy? Phoebe suddenly felt completely calm as she made up her mind once and for all. It was going to take time, a lot of effort, and heartbreaks galore, but she was determined to live out the life she wanted, the one she had dreamed about forever. She and Cole would have that family, they would have those children, that life, if it was the last thing she did. She stepped out of the shower and, wrapping herself in a towel, went into her room to pick out her nicest outfit, something she had not done since she lost the baby, and did her hair up nicely, taking special care to do her makeup and nails. She went outside and took Piper's car, driving to her office. After telling Elise she would be back within 3 days, Phoebe drove to Cole's office, hoping and yet fearing he would be there. "Is Cole Turner in?" she asked the receptionist at the front desk. "Yes he is. I am sorry, he is in a meeting though now, but I can ring you up quickly if it is an emergency. Who should I say is here?" the receptionist asked as she picked up the phone and went to touch the button. Phoebe grabbed her hand quickly out of fear and reaction. "No, no emergency." Phoebe said shakily as she released the shocked receptionist's hand. "I will just wait. Thank you." She said as she walked towards the elevator, then down the hall, in the waiting room, sitting there, wringing paper in her hand, twisting it tightly until she saw a group of men walk out of the office towards the waiting room followed by. Cole. His name made her melt as she imagined their future life, as she imagined their children all over again. "He can't see me." She thought, raising the magazine next to her in front of her face. Cole saw out his guests, then walked towards his office. "I am taking a break for awhile, do not let anyone in." he told the secretary as he disappeared into his office. After waiting a good half hour, Phoebe got hold of her nerves and walked towards his door. "Excuse me Miss, you cannot go in there. Mr. Turner is not seeing anyone right now. I am sorry, you will have to wait." The secretary tried to stop her, but Phoebe brushed past her, not even acknowledging her words. Her hand grasped the door handle as she took a breath and opened the door, not knowing what to expect. The doorway revealed Cole sitting at his desk, eating lunch and reviewing papers and files. He looked fine without her, he looked as if their separation and failed marriage and lost child did not bother him one bit. He did not even look up to see who was at the door as he said "I am taking a break, you will have to wait, I have to eat," while keeping his eyes fastened on the documents before him. Phoebe did not know what to say or do, so she just stood there with her mouth partially opened, her hand never leaving the handle. "I said I'm." Cole began as he frustratedly stood up from his desk and finally looked up, only to see his ex-wife standing there, looking more beautiful than ever, with an expression worth a million emotions on her face. She was determined, he saw that, and hopeful, but she was also scared, fearful of rejection and loss. "Phoebe." He breathed her name, those two syllables catching them both off guard. "Yea. Hi. Sorry to barge in, it is just." Phoebe mindlessly began, wavering her hand towards the secretary. "It is alright, I understand. W-What are you doing here?" he asked, running a hand through his hair. "I, I just, uh." Phoebe was at a loss for words. She had rehearsed a speech for him in the car, telling him everything she had been going through, everything she felt, everything she had seen, everything she knew. Now that she was face to face with him, she had no clue what to do, let alone say. 'I just came to say hi, I guess. Yea, hi." "Hi" He said back, not knowing what to do either. "How are things?" "Fine, yea, just fine. Piper's pregnant." She returned. "Really? Wow, I guess it is about time." he trailed off, mentally hitting his head for saying something so mean. "Yea, I guess so. How are things with you?" She asked, fearing he had gone evil. "Good, I guess. I got rid of the evil in me. I still have powers, but I am neutral now." Cole paused. "Wow, yea, great, that is good." there was an awkward pause, followed by more silence. "Ok, well I better get going. I kinda left the manor this morning and have hell to deal with, meaning Piper and Paige." she trailed off. "Good luck." Phoebe began to walk out the door. "And Phoebe." Cole called her name, causing her to look back, something she promised herself she would not do if things did not work as they should have. Yet, she could not help herself. "It was nice to see you." "Yea, you too." She answered, pausing to look at him one last time, and walked out the door. As she approached the secretary's desk, she took one of his business cards, just because her hand took a hold over her. She drove back in silence, the tears threatening to take over, but never making it. She would not allow herself to cry. When she got home, she closed the door and put the keys back. She went to walk up the stairs, but was stopped by Piper. "Phoebe, get down here." She called " Right now" Phoebe took a breath, then headed down towards what she knew would be not such a nice confrontation. Indeed, when she walked into the kitchen, she was face to face with a very pissed off Paige and a very hormonal Piper. "Where the hell have you been? What the hell were you thinking? Why the hell did you take my car? And who the hell are you to yell at us like that?" the barrage of questions from Piper was like a rush of pain back to Phoebe. At least the uncomfortable silence with Cole had made her feel almost content, knowing they were on the same level, but here her sister's had the advantage over her, magically, physically, and emotionally. "I was just out. The Angel was here; you saw that. And what the hell do you mean I have no right to yell at you? What about you thinking you know what I am thinking and answering for me? Living my life? God, sometimes you piss me off so much Piper I wish you would die." Phoebe retorted, throwing caution out the window. "How dare you? How dare you, you insolent little bitch?" Piper threw back at Phoebe. "God, I am so sick of you, moping around, running off with demonic bastards. Grow up Phoebe. Stop thinking about yourself and get a life." Phoebe turned to leave, but Piper froze the door, causing Phoebe to spin around. "Me get a life? How about the two of you? Going on with your lives as if nothing has happened. Tell me Piper, if you lost Leo and your baby, would you feel happy? Would you not think Paige and I would notice if you were so depressed you thought about killing yourself every night? You two ignored me and everything I was going through, only focusing on your job and baby. Well I am sorry, but I cannot pretend I am happy anymore here. I am sick of you two and your ignorance." Phoebe fought back in tears, wishing she were back in Cole's arms, wishing she were anywhere but here. "Our ignorance? C'mon Phoebe. You are such a little hypocrite. You refuse to see that your husband is evil, then you turn evil and almost kill us, all because of what you want, you selfish little bitch. You pretended not to see what Cole was doing, and it almost cost us our lives, all so you were happy. Do not even talk about ignorance you self centered whore." Paige spat at Phoebe with such hate in her voice, causing Phoebe to cry. She orbed a mug at Phoebe, which Phoebe levitated to avoid. Piper blew up the door, and Phoebe flew across the room, missing the couch barely as Paige orbed it away. She smashed against the wall and laid still for a moment, then stood up calmly in tears, her heart void of all emotion. Paige gripped her hands in fists and held herself back, sitting in the couch as Piper started thinking. "Wait, does anyone else see what is going on here? It is Andras, the demon, you know Pheebs the one who turns little things into anger. Remember?" Piper started. "No." Paige answered mockingly. "Well we did not know about you then. It was with Prue. He turned our little angers into blind hate and we used our powers against each other, losing them. It is him, Phoebe, see." Piper acknowledged her sister. "No." Phoebe stated in a dead tone. "No Piper, we vanquished him. This is the truth, the brutally honest truth." And with that Phoebe walked out the door in tears, not knowing where to go. "Good riddance." Paige said, leaving the room, leaving Piper to her thoughts alone. Phoebe walked forever. She had nowhere to go, no one who cared. It was cold at night, and Phoebe had left the car keys and her coat at home when she rushed out. Now she was money less in the city, without food or shelter. She had no idea what she was going to do, where she would go. All she knew is she had to get out of there. She sat down on a bench and looked up at the stars. Was this how she had come to live in the one destiny? How she became a lonely old woman? Maybe everything she knew was wrong, maybe this was a trick, maybe she had lost her opportunity to live that other destiny she yearned for so much. Phoebe looked around trying to find a place to stay when her eyes came across a large building she had been to recently. It was Cole's office. She reached into the pocket in her skirt, only to find the business card of his. She took out her cell phone and called the operator, getting his address. She walked for another hour or so when she finally reached his house. He had moved out of the penthouse, but she did not know why. She looked at her watch, realizing it was late, but she could not see the time correctly cause she had been crying. Phoebe walked to the door, took a breath, and knocked, hoping Cole would be home, and at the same time hoping he would not. De ja vou hit her as she remembered last time she and her sisters got into a fight. It had been late then to, but Cole had taken her in just the same. As she heard footsteps approach the door, she held her breath and contemplated leaving. She turned to leave, but stopped when she heard the door open. "Phoebe. Is that you?" Cole asked, flipping on the light in the front. Slowly she turned around, for some reason ashamed of letting him see her like this. "Yea." She said slowly. "Yea it is me." "Phoebe, what are you doing here?" He asked, stepping out on the porch. "Uh, I don't know. I was just walking around and I'm sorry I know it's really late. Can I come in?" Phoebe asked quietly. "Yeah. Sure." Cole answered, guiding her in his house and shutting the door. 


	5. Chapter 5

CYD 5  
  
"I have no where else to go." Phoebe began to cry hysterically, not caring Cole was watching her break down after trying to look so strong for such a long time. Cole instantly grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her, and it was just like old times. Whenever she was hurt or crying he would hold her and lay down with her, rocking her and soothing her till she was all right. Now old habits took over as they both forgot what they had been putting each other through recently as Cole held Phoebe against him and led her to the couch. Neither protested. All that mattered was Phoebe was hurting, and Cole was taking care of it. "That is okay. I am glad you came. What happened?" Cole asked gently as he held her tightly with one arm, reaching for a nearby blanket with the other hand. "My sisters and I got into a huge fight. It was horrible." Phoebe whispered as she broke down in tears again, clinging to his shirt tightly, her emotions taking over her completely. "Shhh shh shh. You are safe here." He talked to her softly, making comforting sounds and rubbing her back slowly and soothingly. "And what hurts the most is what they said was real, was the truth. They hate me, and I hate them. You know, I have been living with it for some time, but tonight," Phoebe faltered. "Well tonight was the last straw. I could not handle any more. I need, I want." Phoebe faltered again. "What do you want baby?" Cole asked, realizing how fragile his ex-wife was, how he had to be gentle and slow with her. "I w-want, I-I wa-ant, I want to die." She confessed as her body shook with new pain. "I want to die Cole. There is no reason for living, nothing anymore. I dread the next day. Every breath is a pain; every word is a dagger in my heart. I cannot stand it. I dream of dying, of never waking up. Please, please help me. Help me escape." Phoebe begged. "No." Cole whispered, almost to himself, trying to deny the overwhelming anguish he felt in his heart. His Phoebe was hurting, depressed, alone, suicidal. The thoughts of her dreaming of taking her own life and lying in a coffin for all eternity frightened him. He clutched her tightly, crying into her hair. How had things gotten so far? How had they gotten out of hand? How could Piper and Paige not have seen what was slowly eating their sister from the inside out, till there was nothing left? "No, do you hear me, Phoebe? No. You must never do that; that must never happen. I do not know what I would do if you died. Please, please Phoebe. Please." He begged as he cried harder and harder. His tears slid down to her face, where they mingled like the water and her tears in the shower. "You have to fight this." She slowly lifted her tear-stained face to meet his eyes. "How?" she asked quietly. "How can I do this? It hurts so much. You do not understand. Watching life go on while my soul is dying, watching other families develop, watching good happen, feeling the pain as I listen to Piper everyday talk about her baby. What about mine? What about ours? Why can we not have our family, our baby? It just, God, it hurts so bad." "No baby?" Cole did not understand at first, but began to as the truth sunk in. His child, their baby was dead. Phoebe was not pregnant with a part of their love; she was barren, almost as much as him, though in different ways. "No, no baby, Cole. The baby is dead. He has been for a few weeks. I did not know how to tell you, did not know how you would react. It has been hard enough for me, even harder as I lost him." Phoebe said into his chest, holding her breath, knowing Cole was not going to take the news easily. She looked at his hand trembling on her side. She did not know how much more he could take, but knew she had to tell him the full truth. She glanced up at his eyes, but they were not focused on her anymore, but something in the distance, something only he could see. Perhaps it was his dream, perhaps their family, perhaps their baby. Only Cole could see the vision that was making him cry as the tears quietly escaped from his eyes. Phoebe felt horrible, dirty inside. Here she was hurting, being selfish by forcing all this pain on Cole. There had to be a way to bring him back, to in a way apologize for what she told him. "I am sorry. He would have loved you." She said quietly, hoping he would acknowledge her. "He would have loved you to." Cole whispered as he continued to stare into space. Phoebe watched him for a few minutes, then took a breath and continued the hard, yet necessary, conversation. "So where does that leave us now? What are we going to do? How are we going to fix this?" she anxiously asked. "Look, Phoebe, I." Cole began, but she interrupted. "I am sorry." She whispered. "I never meant to hurt you." "It is okay." He replied. "I guess we have both been through a lot of pain.  
  
"How did we get here?" Phoebe asked, almost to herself. "Look, Phoebe, I do not know how we got here. I do not know how this fell apart, how this went so far. All I do know is no matter what any document or judge says, I love you. I always have and I always will, even if you do not want me to. Maybe it is not right for us to live together. Hell, maybe we are better off married to other people. All I know is I will always love you, and I will always be there if you fall. We are going to see this through. I am here for you. We are going to get through this, we are going to fix this. together." He said, stroking her cheek and wiping away her tears. "Together?" she asked, turning in his grasp so she faced him completely. She sat up and back, against the other side of the couch furthest from Cole. "You mean you are not mad? Oh Cole." She breathed, throwing herself into his embrace, feeling like a Southern belle from an old movie. She remembered what had happened, what had brought her there and the tears began to fall again. "I, I." she stuttered. "I cannot go back there. I cannot. I will not." She protested as Cole tried to reach for the phone. She knocked the receiver out of his hand. "No, I do not want to. Please, please do not make me." She begged. "Phoebe, where else are you going to go?" he asked calmly, trying to bring her to her senses. "I cannot look at them. Please Cole. I never want to go home, not after what was said. They will not find me here. Please let me stay the night. I promise I will not be a bother. I will find a room tomorrow, just please let me stay here for now." She begged, looking straight into his deep blue eyes. "Your sisters will worry." He argued. "It is not good for them, or you, especially Piper." "So what? If they cared, they would have found me by now." She flatly stated. "But I thought you said they would never find you here.." He said with a small smile. "Yea, well." Phoebe was at a loss for words. "Oh please let me stay here. I do not think I can go home. Besides, I have not felt like this in a long time." She quietly murmured, not meaning for Cole to hear the last sentence, though he did. Cole leaned over and hugged her tightly, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "Well, maybe just tonight." He said slowly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." She answered, letting go of him. Phoebe stood up and looked around, taking in the new home in a glance for the first time. Cole seemed to have a good, healthy, sober life here, nothing like what she had been shown in the vision of the future. "So where does a girl go to get cleaned up?" she asked, looking for the bathroom. "Well, the bathroom is over here. I will get a bed ready for you. What, just out of curiosity, do you plan to sleep in?" he asked, motioning her towards the bathroom. "This, I guess." She shrugged at her clothes she had worn that day, the ones she especially put on so Cole would see her at her prettiest. "Ah, I see. Okay, you go clean up and I will find you something to wear too." He said, leaving her and walking towards what seemed to be the master bedroom across the wide hall. Phoebe went into the bathroom and took a washcloth, wetting it with cold water and washing her face, her running makeup. Cole knocked a few seconds later, and she opened the door for him. "I, uh, could not find any pants that would fit you, so I had to settle for a big tee shirt. Is that okay?" he said a little shyly, handing her an oversized tee shirt of his, seemingly brand new, not faded or worn. "Yea, it is perfect. Thank you." She answered, taking the cloth from him. "I also got you some towels and soap. You can take a shower if you want to get warmed up. Feel free to use anything you want or need." He said, motioning to the shower and hair dryer on the sink. "Thanks." She said shyly, lowering her eyes to the ground. It was not supposed to be this awkward. "Okay then, I am gonna go get your bed ready. Want coffee?" he said, moving out of the doorframe. "Could I have hot chocolate?" she requested. "Sure." He said, and walked away, leaving her to her shower. Phoebe stepped into the shower, raising the heat to comfort her chilled body. She slowly washed herself, her hair, everything, thinking about what was happening. Could this be how she was going to get on the right path with Cole? A second chance perhaps? Phoebe's thoughts were interrupted as she realized she had been crying. Her cold tears again seemed to mingle with the warm water as they had earlier that day, a sure sign in her eyes. Suddenly everything made sense. This was how they had gotten started on the path to reconciliation. It was going to be hard, and it was going to encompass a lot of tears and hurts, but she was sure this was the way. Her heart was alive again, jumping around with newfound hope. She quietly stepped out of the shower, drying off, dressing in the tee shirt, blow-drying her hair. Phoebe walked to the kitchen, where she found Cole mixing two steaming cups of hot chocolate. He looked up and smiled faintly, offering her the cup with more in it. She accepted and they sat down at the table, drinking and slurping in silence. When they were all done Phoebe thanked him and helped him clean up. "So I guess you must be tired." Cole started the talking again. "You have had a long day." "Yea, just a little. Maybe I could stay up a little longer?" she asked like a 5-year-old child trying to get out of bedtime. Cole, the parent of the situation, gave her a stern, fatherly look. "Off to bed missy. This way." He said, grabbing her hand and leading her to the large bedroom opposite the bathroom. In it was a beautiful bed with large furniture and a comfy, cozy aura. "But Cole." Phoebe began, flabbergasted. "But this is your room." "No buts. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible here. It is the best I have to offer, and you are worth more than the best. Come on, let me show you where everything is." He once again grabbed her hand to lead her around the room, but Phoebe did not budge. "Thank you." She whispered. "I do not understand how you could be so sweet to me?" "I guess I have a thing for you." He offered a half smile. "If you need anything, anything at all, just call. I will be near." Cole went to leave the room, but was stopped by her hand this time. "I do need one little thing, I hope you do not mind." She said softly. "Anything." He answered, holding her hand just as strongly. "Stay with me tonight." 


End file.
